Sunday, June 12, 2005
Advantage Australia?
I had a thought about a way we could get something from the one day series we are about to play. If we accept that by the end of it the Aussies are going to be well warmed up and raring to go for the Tests, then the best thing to do would be not to use our front line Test bowlers. The bowlers have nothing to prove against these guys and will not be using Test match tactics against them. I would put in some of the up and coming bowlers, Anderson, Lewis, Tremmlet and of course Goughy to give them their batting practice. Save Harmison, Hoggard, Giles and Jones for the Tests so they are fresh and still an unknown quantity. Our batters can get their eye in against the Aussie bowlers and advantage is back with England.
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I agree with the sentiments but not the inclusion of the individuals named. What we need is something to fox these outlaws from the outback. This calls for cunning. We need to fight fire with fire, we need to consider the thought process of the criminal mind. We need something special, something that will leave their batsmen bamboozled, befuddled and bemused. Totally devoid of confidence and fearful of our next plan the Ashes will be ours by the end of the first day.
Many years ago my father regaled me with the history of Spedegue's dropper. I'm not sure of the year, but it was certainly before the birth of Gilchrist, Ponting and Hayden, when England picked RGT Spedegue. I may be wrong about the intials, it could have been his brother RWD, but either way he was selected to rescue the series after the Aussies had taken a 2 - 0 lead in only six days of cricket. He did it in style, and the last three tests were each won within two days as he devastated them with his totally new style of bowling.
Off only three strides, RGT would propel the ball skywards, apparently reaching heights of more than 60 feet, the ball would loop over the batsman's head before descending with deasdly accuracy to land with aplomb on the top of the bails.
In todays politically correct world there are a number of problems with this form of attack.
1. The no- ball rule. Following their humiliation the Aussies subsequently whinged to the authorities and the law was changed. This should be no problem, the whole cricketing world is longing to see these reprobates get a mauling and, with the help of the ICC, the law can be changed back and a descendant of Spedegue can once again answer the call of his country at a moment of crisis.
2. The location of one of these descendants. This should easily be solved by an emergency "Ashes Alert" on Radio 4. Aggers should take care of this one.
3. The issue of unfair and dangerous tactics in this era of political correctness. This could be a problem. Nevertheless the appointment of Jeremy Clarkson as PR officer, ably assisted from New Zealand by Alastair Campbell, in between his duties with the Lions, will see this issue dismissed to the boundaries edge.
OK, so we have one end tied up, but who is going to bowl at the other end I hear you ask.
We have the perfect solution and as far as I am aware he is alive and well. Furthermore there are no possible objections to his inclusion.
Will Smethurst used to play in the Bolton League in Lancashire. A hugely under rated cricketer, like Martin Peters in the world of football, he suffered from being ahead of his time. But now that time has come and his countrymen are calling him to rescue them from these ritual humiliations.
Infamous for the slowness of his deliveries there was the famous occasion when an ex county cricketer refused to walk, after being given out for the most blatantly plumb LBW one has ever seen. The umpire questioned the batsman as to why he would not leave the field and was told in rather a blunt Northern manner, "thar caant gi mi art. We awl no thar'it wer goin fot it wickets, burit wont av, cos it were goin to slorw te reech em." The umpire considered the batman's heartfelt plea and decided after great consideration to reverse his decsion. The game continued but with Smethurst suspended from the attack. Despite complaints to the league authorities, led by Tony's infamous Chairman, Frank Baldwin, it was a mere nine matches before Will was consigned to a career with the second team. There, despite a broken spirit, Will led his teammates to many triumphs but never again did he grace the Tonge 1st XL after that most extraordinary season.
However in the final nine matches that Will played he tormented and destroyed the mental capacity of all the Australian test players and overseas amateurs in the League.
Even now from Sydney to Melbourne, and Perth to Brisbane, the mere mention of Will's name is known to cause all Australian batsmen to break out into cold sweats. Grown men, brought up on eight day test matches in the outback, wilt visibly, whilst women and young children withdraw to their darkened homes for weeks on end until their menfolk regain their national spirit.
So there we have it, a descendant of RGT Spedegue, partnered by the infamous Boltonian Will Smethurst should open the bowling for England in the first test. The series will be over by the end of the Australian's first innings. The Aussies will be destroyed and we will have proved why the Ashes must always remain in their rightful home.
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